April Fools, Sweetheart
by darex2xdream
Summary: When Haymitch's prank goes drastically wrong and a certain escort falls prey to his trap, will Effie simply shake it off and move on like always? Or will she seek revenge for her precious schedules that were destroyed thanks to his foolish prank?


**A.N. Hello dear readers! I hope you enjoy this story! Believe it or not, I got this idea a few months ago in April, and I wrote it out the day after April Fools Day. I sent it to my two betas and they're both too amazing and smart for their own good and they caught a ton of mistakes that I was too lazy to go through and fix until now! So that's why this story is so out of season... Sorry about that! I figured today was a good day to post it before I get busy with soccer since I probably won't be around much after the season takes off. Anyway, I'll let you read now. This is my first attempt at something that isn't completely filled with angst and tears... so I hope you enjoy my attempt at humor!**

The front door opened, followed by a few odd thumps, a loud splash, and a deafening feminine scream.

Haymitch sauntered around the corner with his hands lodged in his pockets and a smug smirk plastered across his face. "Well, well, well. That'll teach ya to throw out my drinks—" He stopped dead in his tracks as he viewed who had fallen prey to his trap. "Shit…"

"What on _earth_ is going on here!" Effie hissed. Haymitch rocked backwards on his heels trying to hide his pleasure that his trap had actually worked, while the other part of him was still sorely disappointed that Effie had tripped it instead of his original target.

He had propped a bucket full of water above the front door to fall and spill when it was opened, thus drenching whoever entered in water. Unfortunately, he had meant the trap to be for Peeta who had poured out his entire supply of liquor the previous night. However, Haymitch hadn't anticipated Effie's visit. Now she was standing with clenched fists in his doorway looking painfully similar to a drowned rat; her make up running in streams down her cheeks and her colorful wig deflated and askew. A puddle of water was collecting around her ruby red stilettos as Haymitch ran a hand through his unkempt hair trying to come up with something to say.

"Uhh, April fools, sweetheart?" He said the first thing that came to mind, regretting it instantly.

It took Effie a grand total of two seconds to explode on him. "This is not the kind of behavior I would expect from you, Haymitch! You are an _adult_! If you really have the nerve to pull some absurd April Fools Day prank, at least have the decency to do it on April 1st! It's March 31st, for Panem's sake! Do I even need to mention that this outfit was made by one of the best designers in the Capital? What were you _thinking_?" Haymitch glowered at the puddle on the floor. He was thinking he needed a drink, but he didn't dare say that out loud. He had only witnessed the tiny diva's rage once in his many years of knowing her, and he certainly didn't need to experience it again.

Effie was shaking violently now, and he wasn't sure if it was because she was cold or because she was livid. He decided that it was probably a combination of both.

She began waving her hands at him while lecturing him further on proper behavior and _bla bla bla_… then her glare shifted to what was clenched in her hands. Previously she had been carrying a huge stack of papers that had been reduced to gray mush; the black ink running down her arms and contributing to the puddle on the floor. Effie pursed her lips and shut her eyes quickly, freezing like a statue.

"What're you doing?" He asked slowly, not entirely sure that he wanted to know the answer.

"I am counting to ten. However, I do not believe it is working, so it might be in your best interest to get out of my sight," Effie growled through gritted teeth.

Haymitch smirked at her, wondering for a split second what she could possibly do to him besides lecture him to death. He almost shuddered at the thought. _Almost_.

"Have you any idea what these are? Excuse me, _were?_" Her voice shook with anger, but her eyes remained shut.

"Nah, but I'm guessing you're going to tell me, aren't ya sweetheart?" He slurred convincingly. After so many years of constantly slurring sentences because he was too drunk not to, it had become somewhat of a habit to Haymitch. Plus, he knew that she hated it.

Her eyes shot open, but Effie went on as if she hadn't heard him. "These were the _schedules_ I put together for the victory tour!" Her voice raised several octaves in distress while she waved her tiny fists at him, flinging droplets of water all over the trap's mastermind.

"Ooooh," Haymitch gasped in mock horror, his hands reaching up to cover his snicker, "What a _shame._" His voice was dripping with sarcasm almost as much as Effie was dripping with water.

"You are insufferable! These schedules were crucial to the Victory Tour. I had everything planned and now—"

"Look, princess, I think we can manage without them."

"First of all, watch your manners Haymitch Abernathy! Surely you are aware of how _rude _it is to interrupt people. Secondly, that just shows how much you know." She snapped, her hands resting snottily on her hips. "You know absolutely nothing about schedules and propriety, not to mention anything else _mildly_ important!"

Haymitch rolled his eyes—much to Effie's annoyance—and folded his arms across his chest. "It's pretty safe to assume that what I consider important and what you consider important are two very different things, sweetheart."

Effie shook her head in a disgusted manner and gave him the most disapproving of frowns she could muster. This man was impossible to work with.

"Now, what's really important here is if you have or know of anywhere I could get some liquor." Haymitch drawled. He really _really _needed a drink.

"You drunken, unbearable pig!" She shrieked, throwing the ruined papers at him before stomping out of his house and slamming the door in his face. Normally, Effie would brush off whatever Haymitch did and ignore it, but this was different. This time he had made the mistake of ruining her schedules, and _everyone_ knew better than to mess with Effie Trinket's schedules—well, almost everyone. This time she would teach him a lesson…yes, Effie knew the perfect way to get back at Haymitch.

He was still trying to process what had just occurred when the door opened again. He braced himself for the return-of-the-drowned-diva, but was greeted by a very confused looking Peeta instead. Peeta opened the door slowly, raising an eyebrow in question. "What did you do to Effie?" He asked cautiously, glancing out the door behind him. "She looked furious…and wet."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just be thankful that you didn't come over ten minutes earlier, or that would have been you." Haymitch ran a hand through his long hair, groaning inwardly at the headache that was beginning to form above his left eye…the first sign of withdrawal, _perfect_. He noticed a lone bottle on the floor by the stairs and scooped it up without another word. The cap popped off and Haymitch swirled the liquid around before taking a long chug. "On second thought, that'll be you if you ever mess with my stash again." He growled the warning, looking down at the soggy papers in his hands.

"It was for your own good, Haymitch, you know that. We need you sobered up for the Tour." Peeta followed Haymitch's gaze, eyeing the papers skeptically. "What are those?" He asked, gesturing to Haymitch's hands.

Haymitch chuckled and shook his head slightly, "They _were_ Effie's schedules for the Tour."

Peeta's eyes widened and he glanced back out the door. He was somewhat surprised that the soaked escort wasn't leading Peacekeepers to the Haymitch's house as they spoke. "Please tell me that you aren't responsible in any way for this…this mess." Haymitch just rolled his eyes; it wasn't that big of a deal. Effie would forgive him and move on. Besides, she was much too proud and manner-cautious to do anything to get back at him.

"Yeah, I did it…unintentionally, so what?" He took a swig of the bottle in his hand to show how much he didn't care.

Peeta shook her head in a combination of disbelief and amusement, "Good luck, Haymitch. You're going to need it."

"Whatever. What can that Capital princess do to me anyway?" Haymitch muttered. He offered Peeta a fairly disgruntled goodnight and stomped up the stairs towards his bedroom, the bottle still in his hand.

Haymitch woke up the next morning to sunlight streaming into his room from an open window. He could have sworn he had closed it the night before. On top of that, the blinding light was doing a _fantastic_ job at worsening his headache. Making a mental note to board up all the windows in his house, Haymitch sat up and pulled on a pair of pants and a t-shirt that had been dropped carelessly in a pile on the floor.

He staggered down the hallway, passing the bathroom without a care. There was no need to check his appearance. He had stopped caring about the way he looked a long, long time ago. Sniffing the air, Haymitch was suddenly hit with the inviting smell of bacon. _What the…_

The kitchen was empty, but he searched tirelessly for the source of the smell. His stomach growled at him as if to urge him on. "It's about time you got up, Haymitch. We have a _schedule_ to keep." He jumped, startled when Effie's Capital lilt greeted his ears. He could practically hear the smirk in her voice. "Destroying my schedules definitely did not stop the tour, if that's what you were hoping for."

He followed her voice to the dining room table and was welcomed by a massive breakfast. Effie sat with her perfect posture in one of the few chairs that wasn't broken, a small smile hovering on her lips. Peeta and Katniss were sitting next to her.

Katniss-who had just taken a drink of her orange juice—began choking and nearly spit her drink across the room when Haymitch rounded the corner, earning a very disapproving look from Effie. Peeta, on the other hand, flushed a deep red and averted his gaze to his lap when Haymitch came into the room.

Effie was the only one who managed to maintain a straight face.

"What the hell are you all doing here?" Haymitch snapped at them, feeling oddly self-conscious under Effie's critical gaze.

"Whatever do you mean?" Effie asked incredulously, "Is it wrong to show up at our dear friend's house and make him breakfast? Besides, if we didn't feed you, then you probably wouldn't eat." She added quietly, her sparkling, mirthful blue eyes never leaving his bitter gray ones.

Haymitch's brow furrowed in contemplation. Okay…maybe they had made him breakfast, but why would they do that? They all knew that he hated being bothered in the morning. "How long have ya'll been here?" He asked as he sat down and began piling bacon, eggs, and freshly baked bread onto his plate.

"Oh…a while." Effie sighed. "You know, you sleep _very_ soundly when you're drunk." Peeta snorted, followed by a wince when _someone_ obviously kicked him under the table.

Haymitch frowned at them but decided to ignore it. _Kids._ "That's good to know." He muttered, obviously uninterested with everything she had to say. He was far too interested in the food he was shoveling into his mouth. Effie's nose crinkled in disgust as she watched him eat.

"I suppose it _will_ be_." _She mused dreamily. Effie narrowed her eyes at him suddenly, "You know, you look almost sober, Haymitch. This is _rare_. It's a good look for you. Wouldn't you say so, Katniss? Peeta?" She looked to the other two to bring them into the conversation. However, neither Katniss nor Peeta seemed able to meet Haymitch's eyes.

"You've never looked better." Peeta said steadily, heat flooding his cheeks again as he exchanged an uncomfortable look with Katniss.

"Oh…yeah. You look…stunning, Haymitch." Katniss pursed her lips in an attempt to hide a rare smile.

"Uh…thanks?" Haymitch rolled his eyes. He had no idea why they were all acting so strangely. On second thought, this behavior was normal for _Effie_, but the other two were a mystery to him. For a moment, he actually thought that she might have forgotten about the accident the previous night.

Katniss and Peeta could no longer contain themselves. They both covered their mouths to contain their laughter and excused themselves from the table. Effie glared after them, "Manners, you two!" Unfortunately, that only encouraged them to laugh harder as they fled to the kitchen.

"What's wrong with them?" Haymitch asked, his eyes wide with confusion. What the hell? Sure, these kids were victors and there usually was some kind of post traumatic stress that appeared after the games, but Haymitch had never seen anything this bizarre—besides Effie, of course.

"Oh, I'm sure they're fine." She dismissed it casually, the corners of her lips twitching up into a grin. After a moment, Peeta and Katniss returned to the table with straight faces, whispering to each other urgently. "By the way, I forgive you for what happened last night." Effie added, beaming at him from across the table and allowing herself a breezy laugh that sounded about as fake as her hair looked.

Haymitch let out a breath that he didn't realize he had been holding. More than a little relieved, he reached up and wiped his forehead with the back of his hand. As he let his arm drop onto the table, Effie's eyes widened in surprise and he mentally prepared himself for another lecture on proper table etiquette. It took him a moment to notice why her face had suddenly drained of color.

Maybe it was because of all the white powder that usually covered her face had somehow ended up on the back of his hand...

Katniss really did spit her drink across the table then…and all over Haymitch.

Effie gasped, her hand flying up to cover her mouth as she was caught up in the giggling epidemic that had infected Haymitch's normally lifeless house. He cursed loudly—still confused regarding the white streak on his hand—and he gave the Girl on Fire a menacing look that said, "If I had matches right now, you'd really be on fire".

His eyes began to burn and his vision blurred as if something had dripped into his eyes. "Ugh, what the…?" He muttered, rubbing his eyes frantically with both hands. He pushed back his chair and ran for the bathroom.

Haymitch opened his burning eyes and came face to face with some hideous man—if could he even call who he saw a man—from the Capital.

It was then that he realized he was looking into the mirror.

That hideous man was him.

It was Haymitch. Haymitch, with white powder caked across every inch of his face, except for a streak on his forehead and a few vertical lines above his eyes where Katniss's orange juice had made the makeup bleed into his eyes. Haymitch, with bright pink eye shadow and blood red lip stain outlined in a light purple. Haymitch, with curlers wound into his hair and mascara and eyeliner bordering his eyes.

No, it wasn't Haymitch. It couldn't be.

"EFFIE TRINKET!" Haymitch shouted so loudly that the sound shook Katniss's half empty glass of orange juice on the kitchen table. What had she done to him? Was this her way of getting back at him? Had Effie really snuck into his house and slathered his face with makeup while he was sleeping to get back at him for messing up her precious papers?

He stormed like a madman down the stairs and into the dining room. Peeta and Katniss were no longer laughing, but instead fidgeting awkwardly in their seats. Effie, however, was the epitome of calm. She grinned up at him with a sickly-sweet smile. "Haymitch, dear, do you remember when I said I forgave you for ruining my schedules?"

"Yeah." Haymitch growled through gritted teeth. He wanted nothing more than to strangle the woman in front of him. He could practically feel his hands wrap tightly around her throat, but instead they were clenched into fists at his sides.

Effie smirked at him, crossing her arms across her chest. "April fools, _sweetheart_."

**A.N. Thank you so much for reading! I apologize sincerely for the lack of plot... Before you leave, would you mind leaving me a quick review with comments/advice/questions/concerns/prompts/whatever floats your boat? I would appreciate it so much!**

**Also, I don't mean to self promote...but I've written quite a few short Hayffie one shots that I always post on my tumblr (believeinjamie . tumblr . com). So if you'd like to read more Hayffie fics written by me that I don't upload to fanfiction (usually because they're too short) then feel free to drop by my blog! I have a "my stories" page where they all are stored for easy access. Thanks again, and I hope you have a wonderful day!**


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